An Unfortunate Lesson in the Vocal Arts

Miss Letitia Talbot King
decided she would learn to sing.
She'd heard that songster, Florence Foster J...
I'm sure she'll show the very way
to lay each note in perfect pitch,
her timing too, without a hitch.
So thus this truly gifted child
went out her way – she was beguiled
to hit the top most note:
but doing pulled a cord inside her throat!
The doctor, he was very stern
said “Madam you must learn
to moderate your scales,
for if you don't and all else fails
I much regret to say
your vocal arts has had its day.
And as for taking Foster J...
a poor example – If I may
there's other divas, many who …
Here's my prescription, I've name two.
With vocal talents to the sky
your notes could well and truly buy
an aged Count, whose large account and castle view
might fill your pocket (and mine too).”
Letitia followed his advice
and practised hitting C's not thrice
but many times until … Alas one dreadful day
her Chords were strangled – sad to say
just like her cousin Henry King
(yes, he who died from eating string).
She fell and gasping her last breath …
“I'll sing a duet then with death!”

An Artistic Backside

Micky was a skinhead true
who loved his girly Curly Sue.
So he decided it was fine
to place a sentiment on her behind.

A tattoo artist, quite the best
our Micky thought - “Yes I'll invest
and give her parts a worthy mark
to prove my passions from the start.

The die was cast in shades of blue
and flowers, birds just grew and grew
until her cheeks showed nature rare
(such beauty, only for the fair).

So now when Mick and Sue walk pass
she proudly shows what's on her arse
and he, delighted with this treat
is quite content to kiss her cheek.

The Unmusical Son

(Or Rap spelt with a silent C)

Young Don' his father played the horn
with rifts that echoed night and morn.
At jazz or blues
what'er you choose
a master of his art.

Old fart said Don
I'll learn to pipe
and show my Pater what its like
to listen to that noise all day
(so sits him down and starts to play).

He blew and blew until quite blue
but found his talent short.
It's as it aught – I'll not be taught
can't play a note, I'm off my stroke.
I'll take to Rap and screw my throat!

Infatuation and Inflation

Jenny Locket
kept in her pocket
a picture of her love.
She thought this 'Star'
was on a par with Moon and Sun above.

Her friend, quite jealous of this 'God'
with fingers light (the little sod)
removed this jewel of the heart
no more to pierce with Cupid's dart.

But Jenny found Miss Fisher's crime
and gave this hussy such a 'shine'.
Pulled out her hair
(now parts are bare)
quite patched and torn
until this Kitty wished she'd not been born.

So begged forgiveness from her friend …
“A fiver for your pocket Jen?”
“No take my advice, you've not been nice
so make it up to ten!”